*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
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I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
So inspired right now.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING