So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
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*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.