Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
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*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone