Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
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I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Lmao