i guess his teacher was really pissed
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If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*