Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
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Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum