Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
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It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.