Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
You Might Also Like
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital