We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
You Might Also Like
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs