16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
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There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
they finally got him. they got macavity
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.