Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
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Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.