I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
We need to put an American base on the sun
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.