When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
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Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
me logging onto twitter
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
jesus, what did this guy do
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”