All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Finally
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”