Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
You Might Also Like
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting