[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
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My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb