[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
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Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
translated into Canadian
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose