Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
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Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My dryer is celebrating lint.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.