MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
This kid is a star!
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
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If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no