I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.