HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
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government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”