‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
You Might Also Like
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.