People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
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i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want