4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
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People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
That time Alicia messaged me
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?