Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
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“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
New tinder profile pic
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?