“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
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When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
それは草
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.