Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
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Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.