[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
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Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.