me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
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To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
The funk soul brother
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen