Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
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Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
And bowling should be called pinball
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car