remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
satan: not today, microsoft teams
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
#damn
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running