*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
One of the best
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex