“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
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How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
incredible book dedication
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Every time.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
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Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.