Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
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“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.