This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
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shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
getting groceries
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.