5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
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Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
choose your fighter
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Shortcut
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others