Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
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Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.