I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
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Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.