It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
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Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.