teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
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sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?