If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
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My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!