How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
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necessity is the mother of invention
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
My Indian name is dances without coordination.