“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
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my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.