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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
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For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Any refunds available?…
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.