Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life