The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
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I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me, flirting😏
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that