Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
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My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”