Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
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A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.