If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.