Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
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Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!